Heavy Thoughts

So, I know I promised to tell the story of how Mrs BG and I met in my next post but there's something that's been rattling around in my head for a few weeks and I really feel the urge to put it out on paper so to speak. More lighthearted fare next time.

A few weeks ago it was my Mom's birthday. She was 52 when she died early this year. That was actually only a few days before my own birthday. I mention this because of the emotions that I felt leading up to her birthday this year and after are a huge part of what is rattling around in my head. As you know, a little over a year ago I received a heart transplant. I was and am grateful beyond words for the gift of continued life it gave me but it has also been a source of conflict in my mind. See, once I'd gotten the heart and had gotten past the immediacies of a new transplant I felt elated and horrible in bursts. I was/am alive and this other person is not. It caused me quite a bit of mental turmoil and one evening I sat down and wrote about it all. It was basically a stream of consciousness, raw emotion and it was immensely cathartic for me to write. Only a few people in the world have seen this document and although I have it somewhere I'm not sure I could bear to go back and re-read it now. It was a time when I should have been incredibly happy and I was, but I also felt alot of guilt. Probably the best friend in my life told me something that was echoed by my father. A general question on a transplant support website that I frequent called www.transplantbuddies.com also produced alot of responses that matched what they said. It was difficult then though to accept.
Here is what he said: "yes, that other family is hurting right now, and yes they are still coming to grips with the loss of their loved one. But underneath that there MUST be a wild hope, a hope that somehow there is someone elses family who is experiencing incredible joy. They must be somewhat happy that some good can come of their grief." I listened to what he and my Father had to say and tried to move on beyond those feelings. Recently, as my mother's birthday rolled around, I had a unique perspective to reflect again on the wisdom of their words.
You see, when my mother passed away she died of the after-effects of a large aneurysm bursting in her head. It rendered her effectively brain dead within minutes. She was rushed to the hospital and they were able to bring her back before they determined the extent of the damage she'd incurred. When my family and I got her bedside I had a frank discussion with the neurosurgeon and had to recall alot of medical knowledge from my time as an EMT. The end result was that the prognosis for her was grave. The doctor very tentatively brought up the idea of organ donation to my family and I and we discussed it. Everyone was weeping, everyone was upset but there was zero dissent. Everyone agreed that there was no way that my Mom would NOT want to donate if that were possible. How could she not after what I'd been through myself? So, my mother donated. Her corneas have helped two people to have sight again and her liver works and sustains life for a woman in the mid-west.
You know what? My friend and my Dad were right..... There IS a huge unbridled hope that simply cannot be put down, that maybe in the midst of all our pain someone else could experience a life changing event. As time went on and we learned that my mother had saved the life of another person and changed the lives of two others there was a tempering effect to our sadness. I realize now that my pain and conflict shortly after the transplant weren't necessary. DESPITE my sense of loss, I do want the person who is living with my mother's liver to be happy, I really DON'T want them to feel guilt or sadness in that regard. I DO grieve for mother and to some extent I always will especially around those times that were special to her. But with the grief is a happiness as well. Someone else is LIVING because of my mother. That thought brings a smile to my face every time. I'll close this post simply.
To my donors family: Thank you. Thank you for giving me a gift that allows me to Live, Love and be Loved.
To the recipient of my Mom's liver: I sincerely hope that you too are Living, Loving, and being Loved.
To everyone else: EVERY day is a day to Live, Love and Be Loved.